I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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