You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
