I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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