dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
