so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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