we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
