He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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