dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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