I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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