When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
