She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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