I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
