I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
