Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
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Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
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Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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