You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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