I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
