PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
