The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
