I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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