What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
