Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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