I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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