It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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