My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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