I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
