I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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