"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
