Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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