I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
