After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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