shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
