I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm too high and old for this...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
