Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
