Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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