My room smells like vodka and shame
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
