Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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