I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
