I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
