Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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