nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
