everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
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Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
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Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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