you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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