it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
