I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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