i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
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Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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