Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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