She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
