Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
