she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
