thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
