Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
