Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
