I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
