Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
