i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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