dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
