My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
