He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
