Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
