I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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